On the Run
I have been contemplating running away. Today was particularly bad, although when I look back, it really wasn't that bad of a day. I just had zero patience and I yelled a LOT. I'm not happy with myself for my actions.
John has been acting upset lately...or not really upset, maybe less happy-go-lucky would be more appropriate. He only acts upset when the kids (or myself) have pushed the limits too many times. I know he's worried about losing weight for work and it seems like people are constantly on his case at work, even though there's no way he could work harder or faster. He has a lot of church responsibilities that takes him away from home quite a bit. He has been trying to study for a BIG test coming up in May. And lastly, he still has his demanding wife and over-excited children to worry about. I think the poor guy is running ragged.
Miss Fabulous is doing great in school academically. Socially, its a major no-go. She is basically alienating herself from her classmates by flipping out about everything. This is not just a school thing...its a public thing. At home, we tell her to knock it off and to not "cry wolf". We are now in the process of seeking help. The school has told me they can't do anything more for her and have recommended others that might be helpful.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting the fight. I just want her to listen and have it actually sink in. I'm nearly at the point where I want to say "I have tried and failed. That is all." But there is a little part of me that doesn't see her as my failure. I wish it was a bigger part of me. That little part must be the mother part...so tiny. The little part sees how great she can be at home, how helpful and eager, how carefree and aware Miss Fabulous is. THIS is my driving force, the ONE thing that keeps me hanging on to the idea of home schooling. I'm really unorganized and often impatient. I don't think I would make a good teacher. Most of the time, I enjoy helping her with her homework...but then days like today, where it just isn't sinking in, where no matter what I say or do the end is the same...she doesn't get it. On those days, THESE days, one or both of us ends up crying and frustrated and angry and hurt. I yelled. That never helps. She cried. That doesn't help either. I explained over and over in every way I could think of. She asked questions about random things that had nothing to do with anything we were working on. I really feel like I've somehow done her an injustice. I'm not sure how and I really don't see a remedy. Where has my little girl gone? I didn't see any of this coming and I somehow feel like I should have.
I was wishing I was camping this morning. I heard the birds chirping outside when I woke up and wished that I could look forward to just easing out of bed and enjoying the morning with no plans, no have-tos. Just make a meal or two and enjoy the day. Breathe some fresh air. Enjoy the family without life's distractions. I miss it. I feel like I had that life at some point and now its gone...although looking back, it has never been like that. So why am I longing to go back to something I never had?
This is a lot for me to write on here. I am seriously overwhelmed by my church calling, my family, my HUGE task of weight loss, my constant itch to create things but never have the time, my house. I'm scared that I am just waiting, waiting for things to calm down, but that meanwhile my kids are growing up with a half-mom and that somehow I'm missing EVERYTHING. There are simply not enough hours in the day. I honestly don't know how most people do all that they do. I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed.
John has been acting upset lately...or not really upset, maybe less happy-go-lucky would be more appropriate. He only acts upset when the kids (or myself) have pushed the limits too many times. I know he's worried about losing weight for work and it seems like people are constantly on his case at work, even though there's no way he could work harder or faster. He has a lot of church responsibilities that takes him away from home quite a bit. He has been trying to study for a BIG test coming up in May. And lastly, he still has his demanding wife and over-excited children to worry about. I think the poor guy is running ragged.
Miss Fabulous is doing great in school academically. Socially, its a major no-go. She is basically alienating herself from her classmates by flipping out about everything. This is not just a school thing...its a public thing. At home, we tell her to knock it off and to not "cry wolf". We are now in the process of seeking help. The school has told me they can't do anything more for her and have recommended others that might be helpful.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting the fight. I just want her to listen and have it actually sink in. I'm nearly at the point where I want to say "I have tried and failed. That is all." But there is a little part of me that doesn't see her as my failure. I wish it was a bigger part of me. That little part must be the mother part...so tiny. The little part sees how great she can be at home, how helpful and eager, how carefree and aware Miss Fabulous is. THIS is my driving force, the ONE thing that keeps me hanging on to the idea of home schooling. I'm really unorganized and often impatient. I don't think I would make a good teacher. Most of the time, I enjoy helping her with her homework...but then days like today, where it just isn't sinking in, where no matter what I say or do the end is the same...she doesn't get it. On those days, THESE days, one or both of us ends up crying and frustrated and angry and hurt. I yelled. That never helps. She cried. That doesn't help either. I explained over and over in every way I could think of. She asked questions about random things that had nothing to do with anything we were working on. I really feel like I've somehow done her an injustice. I'm not sure how and I really don't see a remedy. Where has my little girl gone? I didn't see any of this coming and I somehow feel like I should have.
I was wishing I was camping this morning. I heard the birds chirping outside when I woke up and wished that I could look forward to just easing out of bed and enjoying the morning with no plans, no have-tos. Just make a meal or two and enjoy the day. Breathe some fresh air. Enjoy the family without life's distractions. I miss it. I feel like I had that life at some point and now its gone...although looking back, it has never been like that. So why am I longing to go back to something I never had?
This is a lot for me to write on here. I am seriously overwhelmed by my church calling, my family, my HUGE task of weight loss, my constant itch to create things but never have the time, my house. I'm scared that I am just waiting, waiting for things to calm down, but that meanwhile my kids are growing up with a half-mom and that somehow I'm missing EVERYTHING. There are simply not enough hours in the day. I honestly don't know how most people do all that they do. I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed.
Comments
I remember having days like that, and I still do have days like that. However, your kids will keep growing, and they will mature and time will fly by. It won't seem like it until you are looking back, but it will.
Just keep trying. Don't knock yourself down for those times you fail to be patient, but do get back up and keep trying. Your kids will notice that you are trying, and it will be okay.
I wish I could give you a big hug, and then go shopping at a craft store with you!